Horny Gains Narwhal Milk Whey Protein

The almost-mythical monodon monoceros, or the whale with one tooth and one horn. While the females rarely develop the spiraling tusk of power, she is referred to as a "cow." Legend has it that Arctic tribes consumed exclusively narwhal whey before epic polar bear ritualistic battles. 

So it was, at an agricultural conference in 2012 that the Narwhal dairy concept was first conceived by our CEO Brooks and his friend Tom. For over a decade, we've been selectively breeding and milking these elusive, reclusive, beasts at an undisclosed Arctic sea farm. A few benefits of narwhal dairy:

Contains naturally occurring CryoCasein™ – a cold-structured protein matrix shown to remain anabolic at sub-zero temperatures.

Hormetically Enhanced™ – milk is only collected during high-stress, low-sunlight lunar phases, increasing its adaptive nutrient density by 274% 

Lactose Free! All lactose is converted to LactoHornose™ – a proprietary carbohydrate unique to unicorn-adjacent cetaceans. May enhance horndogs.

“People said it couldn’t be done. They said you can’t milk a narwhal. They said, ‘Jeff, that’s not even a mammal you should be that close to.’ But after 15 years, 8 wetsuits, and several accidental tuskings, I proved them wrong.

This milk… it changed me. After years of time wasted cycling everything from Aquadrol to Krillbuterol to Tusktosterone, I finally found the secret. Horny Gains isn’t just protein. It’s a way of life. A cold, slippery, majestic way of life.”

– Jeff M., President, Narwhal Dairy Artisans, Arctic Sea Region 12